I am Suffering and Confused...

i love you~~ your supposed to know...but then i understand how you feel...like you say you can't be with me...you can give up, but i can't...

i really can't give up something that is important to me...you say your wish for new year is for me to be with someone else...i kept on thinking and going through everything in my mind~~~

i ever thought if that is what you want...i really thought of taking that step. although taking this step can hurt me but it can hurt everybody else around me.

how can i take that step? how can i do it? i can't make you happy..i can't make him happy...i can't make my family happy... why i can't make anyone happy...

i don't want to hurt anyone..do anyone understand?

what if i never existed? i really tried not to exist but i am afraid...what if i leave then everyone forget about me? i tried smiling to myself in the mirror~~ but it failed..but i will try my best in front of you all...

i have been hurt so many times..i can still accept all those pain..i will try my best..^^

Just a Fake Jewel...

Love is something that is wonderful and warm especially when the couples are meant and willing to be together...

But there is this little girl that can never experience the love the she wish for to come true...

In her life..there are this 2 guys..she let go of one of the guys due to her family~~ and no matter what she just had to accept the fact that it is something she can't change and there is no other choices...

During a period of time..her heart and soul suffered till she met another guy that is nice and cares for her...he is willing to be there and listen to her inner-self..she gave another chance for her heart, hope and on him~

She told him that she loves him and he loves her too...but as days and time pass by...things started to change. He is getting further away from her..and the way he treated her is so different from the first time they met and her hearts were getting in pain~~~

She tried her best to believe in the hope she had placed on the new love...but in the end~~ she not only hurt herself..she lost her hope.

Yet she kept it in herself so that he will never know~~ she does not want anybody else to get hurt but her... and on the night of Christmas..he told her to be with someone else... this from his mouth hurts her more than anything.. the only thing she thought and hope had just disappeared in a blink of an eye.

She then realized that love is not the best thing for her...and it is something she will never get...

Please! Don't!

it's time for me to give up...i really want to give up cause it keeps bringing pain and sadness to me...whenever i think about it..it makes my heart to suffocate~~

doesn't he understand how i feel...if he can't accept me i don't mind...but treating me in the way that i hate most of all...

~ i dislike it when a person never reply my messages
~ i dislike it when he treats me differently after what had happen
~ i hate people that change suddenly and starts ignoring me

i really don't understand...if he says that he is busy and tired..i don't mind.

i really don't like this feeling and pain and this f**king hope that is just fake from him.

friends keep advising me not to think so much but the way he acted is keeping my mind in that situation....it's not what i wanted also...

please don't play my feeling...please!! i am begging you! please don't play tricks to my mind and feelings..please!!!

Just Maybe

today..18/12/2010~ it's a bluish day

i feel really down today cause i have to go back to the place where everything begins and the place that brings me a lot of memories and pain...

and today will also maybe the last for me and him~~ he is dumb...^^ i guess he haven't read the messages i made for him in the stars~~ when he reads maybe he would understand how i felt....

i wish time can freeze for awhile for me to relax...it is suffocating me. i keep thinking of him, the "cute" and the one that has been there for me all this while..the Magician...lol~~but whenever i start to think of him..i will remind myself...

"He never did love me" ~~ when i think about this...my heart really felt the pain and emptiness....it maybe the easiest way to let go and forget something that is never mine...really felt like crying ...maybe i cried too much already that i don't have any tears for myself~~

PS: you maybe stalking my blog...just want to say sorry...love you always~<3

It's Ok

There are things that happen because we can't control it~~

I never blame you for what he did cause it's my mistake too~ i should have stop it so he would not be feeling this guilty~~

I am sorry for what had happen and sorry to have it happening...

Stop saying sorry cause i never blame him... i just love him..that's all

~ in that short moment...maybe it's my wrong..i just thought of trying and taking out the first step to completely forget the past...

I just love him and i know it is wrong already...but i have my reason to continue what we did..that's all

But please..i am begging you...please don't treat me differently about what had happen...it's really not your fault. please don't~~

Just a Short One

Wake Up

Just wake up girl!!~~

WAKE UP!!!

He will never be yours!

He will never see you!

He will not think about it!

Wake up!!!

Stop thinking!

Stop hoping for it!

Just leave him alone!

Wake up!!

You have no right to love!!

Your not suppose to be like this!

Why don't you just wake up girl!!

Snap out of it!

Feels Blue

Sometimes it feels right but sometimes it feel wrong~~

But all i know is that i am wrong~~ wrong to be here~~ wrong to be known to all~~

I am sorry to hurt your feelings and anyone else that knows me~~ it is your unfortunate

I am truly sorry...

I Wish that It Could be Real

Good morning...^^

Feels so nice when waking up from the sleep especially when you just had this weird that but yet you just loved it.

In this dream...it includes with him. ^^ i dream that he gave or somehow pass me a piece of paper with a message inside. he wrote something inside which i am not so sure but the part that i am certain is that he ask me to be his girlfriend. well, of course i am really happy about it. Even in my own dream, i am asking myself is it real or not. i just could not believe it.

Then i told him that i want to be one but he is a bit sad cause i told him that it's very hard for me to believe about what he said and wrote to me. This is when i started laughing in my dream.

Though it is a very nice dream..but i still have to wake up. when i wake up, i just realized that it is just a dream. And it is not the reality. This is when i will be a little sad...but a bit happy cause it sounds and feel so real...LOLx

I wish it could be real somehow...

~My Mosaic~

A masterpiece of mine...^^~<3

It's him~

Hmmm...what should i say today??



Well, it is a really nice day and i really loved it cause it's him...i am with him.LOlz

Though i spend my time walking up and down the shopping complex...but my mind is somewhere else. I don't know how to describe it ...

Walking round and round, walking up and down, walking in and out... with no direction in line... i just want to lean down at a place and have a nap or just doze off. Feel very tired~~

^^

A picture taken by my beloved...^^

Just for you

today..my feelings are really confused and mixed up. i just don't know why. i didn't did well also in my exam...it really increase the pressure to my feelings and moods today.

Andrew...i love you. i know we can't be together because of my family and i understand that part. then u told me that we can only be friends...i try to accept that fact also...but now, i see our relationship now is more than a best friend yet not considered a couple...i am really confused. and whenever i always wanted to ask you if you love me or not...u tried to ignore the question. maybe you feel tension about that question, i understand...it's my bad and tried not to think about that question again.

But then...it hurts me whenever i think about it.i thought of making you 1000 of stars because it has all my feelings and thoughts and my memories with you. the messages are just about how i feel about you. i really hope to be together with you...but i feel like it is just something that i think or hope too much for it to happen...

i really finally think that it is time for me to give that hope up. i can be independent enough and i can take care of myself. maybe i am born to be alone somehow..^^

A girl in November,2010 at Zanmai Sushi's spotlight..^^

Hurts

good morning...

when i woke up this morning, it felt so different. it is so different that my heart aches. i have been asking myself the same question over and over again..

~ am i such a bad person?
~ do i bring pain and sadness to everyone surrounding me?
~ i make people lose hope on myself...

i left him and the memories behind...i should expect it. it is nothing wrong for him to hate me... but now when he say that he is disappointed, sad and angry at me, i felt really hurt from the inside and sad.

i should have expect it coming this way round...but i just can't to be honest. i am just scared to face it or i am running away from everything.

the other guy that said earlier that he loved me...is it real? should i believe it?
after what i experienced now, is he really serious about what he meant when he said it to me in the first place?

i seriously don't know what else to think of...i feel like everything that i want or hope for is something that i could never reached for. i just want someone i can depend and share with openly and happily without anyone standing in my way...

why can't you all just understand me?? why do you all only think for your own self-esteem and not for what i have to learn for myself....just let me try.

i know and understand that you all did it for love to me and do not want me to get hurt...but there is a saying, " no pain no gain" right?

i am so hurt and confuse now...what is the purpose of my life?

it rains...

my friend ask a very good question...

after such a long journey and undergo so many obstacles...if one day...they accepted him~~~ what should she do?

should she accept him?

but she is in a situation that she loves someone else...not the same person...though she is in love with another person, but the relationship of her with that guy is definitely more than just best friends yet not certified as couples.

so, if this situation did really happen...what she should do??

with these whole situation...she is now in a hell of thinking of what to do and brings back the sad memories~~~

Happiness~~^^

My dearest love one has come all the way from my hometown to see me though i am the one who sponsored him to come...i really miss him a lot and we had spent the days together for 24 hours~~

1st day~ arrived at the airport by 8pm plus and i was so thrilled to meet him

2nd day~ we planned to stay at home to pass the day as we were both tired~^^ but in the end,we plan to have a fresh outing to Sunway Pyramid as he never had been there before..i showed the places around and in the end he bought me a huge soft doggy!!>w<

3rd day~ we went for SHOPPING together and with my best friend too~~ though there is this moment where he is somehow turn very unhappy and jealous as the dress matcher had touch me a bit...LOL~~ so cute!!^w^

4th day~ we stayed at home today because well~~ we were both tired and kinda "broke" ~~so we decided to pass the by making foods~~"DUMPLINGS"!!!:3

5th day~ we went to Ikano, Ikea, The Curve, and E@Curve~~ ^^ we also went to watch movies together and had a great fun together by eating SWEDISH MEATBALLS!!!!:3

6th day~ we went to KLCC!!! yeah!:3 ~ we keep walking and walking all the way and in the end a movie of "The Piranha"!!>w<

7th day~ we went to 1 Utama today~~ nothing to do actually beside walking ...though we bought a large plate of SUSHI!!!!!YUMMMYY~~~^w^

8th day~ we planing to head over to Sunway Pyramid again to buy some groceries and maybe..just maybe to the Arcade!!^^ <3

A Restful Day

Yesterday and today...well, i feel really relieved and "released" from almost everything~~

i had a very happy moment chatting with my dearest and of course also the "Black Horse Prince".

the story of the Malay and a Chinese, well...there won't be any happy ending to it but then they did enjoy the time they had together...Chinese were worried about the Malay's sadness and the Malay were trying to comfort the Chinese whenever he could just to make her "SMILE".

whereas the beloved couple...there is left with 3 more days for the love birds to meet again and they were really excited about it...the female bird were keep thinking on how to spent their limited time together but in the end she made up her mind and was set to enjoy whatever they can and faced with happy memories before they departs again~~~

today, i had my "1 person vacation" in a shopping complex...it turns out quite boring as i was alone and nobody else to talk to...so i concluded my day trip back home with my little kitties!!...^^

hope everybody out there to have a happy and enjoyable life time and appreciate every moments that you have together with your beloved ones~~!!^^

~Fate~

this is what we call life,

life can be selfish in certain ways,

ones' heart will definitely be hurt.

love is a magnificent thing,

but love is a pick in the heart,

but love is a selfish thing,

but love is blind,

so matter what love is,

it will bring happiness then sadness.

religion is a obstacle,

one will discriminate the other,

but the subject was placed aside,

a story begins,

a Malay fell in love with a Chinese,

a Chinese is happy to know and be with him,

but a Chinese is in a relationship,

a Malay suppose to know that there

won't be a happy ending for him,

but yet a Malay still wants to go for it,

this makes a Chinese to be scare,

of hurting a Malay deeper...

Clueless,

Worried,

Scared,

Hurt~~~

Crying

i feel like crying now for what i did to him...i felt his sadness as it is because of me. i thought he would understand but he seems to misunderstand more. what should i do? i can't reverse the time. what has been done is done~~ there is no turning back and i need to face it no matter what...but there is no one i can reach out too...T_T i really need someone's support and advice....i can't simply tell this matter to anyone as i am afraid that they might tell the others and the "gossip" begins~~~

I am Really Confused

my boyfriend is coming in 5 days time and i am here chatting or talking and having fun with another guy...i know what i am doing now is really wrong~~ but i am scared that i fell in love with him and this cause my relationship with my love one is shaken. the hard and impossible to be with him is because...he is a "Malay" and i am a "Chinese". there wont be any happy ending.

i am really scared that i hurt him...but it is too late to regret of what i have done. i have just hurt him....i am really sorry. i understand every word he is trying to say to me, but i really cannot accept him. he knows that i am in a relationship and i do not want him to put to much high hope on it. i guess, i did make him to put on high hopes....it is all my stupidity act!!

i really do not know how to settle this matter now but to apologize to him and let the time pass...i know that he may not forgive me that easily but i do not deserve his forgiveness.... i am really sorry...T_T

New House

Me and my friends had just moved in to this new house that we just rented for 2 months already. so far so good~~ but no matter where you are, there will be complications.

K : she is very weird. but for the past few days, i am unhappy with her because she started

to be so busy-body and whenever she comes to my room, she never knocks. there is also this

one time that my friend told me when i was out, she started going through my laptop.

from that moment, i am really "so" unhappy with her!!

F : actually, i don't have much against her, but then i don't really like to spend time with her

because she do not like to share her things with others but likes to borrow from the others.

this is the part that i do not like about her, and .....in conclusion, i still don't really like to

spend time with her..:P

Y : she is a very good friend that i am so certain for sure but there is this problem

sometimes... she gets on my nerves due to her characteristics. she is a very good listener,

but it is just sometimes, she talks too much and it annoys me..maybe she do notice it or

maybe she does not...but so far, i am still okay with that "part" of her in my life.

N : she is very funny and straight forward type of person, and i like her...sometimes, i am

jealous of her because a lot of guys likes her cheerful smile...^^ guess thats her fact of being

able to attract good guys~~

no long after we moved in to our house, another friend moved in..she is nice and cheerful..

but i am having a difficulty in communicating with her especially about the rental or money

things...cause i really do not want to give her an impression that i keep asking money from

her when she moves in...

^o^~~ i really hope things will change in a better way when time pass as it does pass very

quickly...

Classmates

i used to have this good "black" friend....we spend all our times together and doing things together.

but things change once i got back from my holidays in June. she started not talking to me and my other friends, giving us the cold shoulders and discriminating us. i really don't know why she did it...i really wanted to know about it cause i know that i did not do anything wrong.

at first, i just pretend to not know about what is happening and tried to ignore everything...but it changes when i saw the posts she posted up on her Facebook, saying that there is people that is very selfish and never thinks...maybe she is not saying me and my other friends but i am furious about it...cause i am 99 % certain that she is talking about us...

however, all i could do is to ignore everything that she is trying to do...

secondly...ever since semester 1, i hated her so much cause she broke my kettle and her bitchy ascent~~ LOL ...i don't know why, but no matter what, she agreed to herself that the first time she saw me...she can't live under the same roof with me...so, now i will say it back to her, i regretted helping her in everything from the very beginning!!!:P

PS: IGNORE THE FLIES!!~~

Confused

i really don't know is it correct for me to do it this way or not...but in others view..i am wrong

i have a boyfriend that really loves and never will change his love for me even though our problem is our distance and my parents does not approve him... but i do love him...it is just that my love for him is not as strong as his. sometimes i feel like i have no boyfriend at all~~

my boyfriend loves me and i "used" to love him or "still" loving him...nowadays, i do not have any topics to talk to him about, i really could not find any chatting points with him...maybe it is because we have been so long a part and i am living my life as normal as all the time which has nothing special in it...

in the period of moments, its where i met him..the cute boy that loves pink a lot...(i have no idea why)~~ in my days of boredom and so called as "loneliness", he spend a lot of times talking to me and we share quite a few things together...from that part, well, i am very happy and thrilled. the best part of him is that i really "loved" it to see him playing guitar...i really can sleep there and then...^^~~so sweet the melodies..

August~ Flower Bloom

i study in a private college of Medical Imaging, and of course i will have seniors and juniors..

Seniors, what should i say about them~~ i knew this guy that i thought it might be good person and a friend to know of~ but then soon i realize that he is the type of person that i will never want to know about. A word about him is , "2-faced or thinks that he is everything type of person" ...really annoying..haiz.. wasted my time with this type of person.

Juniors, well, i met them all and i had a very enjoyable time with them... they seems to be fine to me...but there is this 2 particular guys, one is handsome and one is cute... i like the handsome one but then my friend likes him too...so i just have to keep it secret~~ whereas the other one, he likes me..that is something i am certain about...^^ we have been talking a lot lately and he seems caring about everything i am going through especially when i am emotional problems...i really like that moment..LOL~~

4/9/2010

1st day of holiday at home with my friend and my kids (my cats actually)~~

i am no idea on doing what for the day~~ i slept and swam in the evening~~

later that definitely eat!!~~^^

but then though had pass the day, i missed someone~~ actually theirs two...

i missed them but i feel guilty sometimes cause i can't choose 2 person at once right??

so...i really don't know what am i suppose to do about it...T^T