A New Smile~~

A smile that I am trying to make it to look real from the bottom of my heart~~

I Know

I know you don't care anymore...
I know what i say now is also useless...
I know it will not change...

I just wish you could read this...
Ignoring me is still really hurting me...
And i know i have no rights to find you anymore...
I just wanna let you know how i feel...

I hate myself for being such a pathetic person...
I hate myself for being useless...
I hate myself for hurting everyone beside me...

I guess your hurting too...
But nobody knows that i am hurting too...

Weird Feelings...

After what had happen...to be honest and truthful..my heart feels happy but at the same time..its' getting more empty like a bottle of leaking from somewhere which i can't really put it.

I don't know what exactly is he thinking but if he accused me for leaving my ex is a wrong doing then his wrong. He may be mature in his way, but the situation is in my hand. And it's a different thing for me and it's not easy.

Today, i went out with someone that i don't really know of but i know him. He is Encik Harris, a radiographer from where i am having my clinical attachment. When i went watching movies with him, he reminded me of you, Andrew.

I am not suppose to think back again...But yet i am having this weird feelings when thinking back those memories that I should had buried it on the day we argue. I just wish to know what his planning to do...Maybe i am thinking too much cause i do not want to let go of something that i could not hold easily.

Every word i said to him on that day, well it does hurts me more than him. Slapping him...well, if i really did get the chance to see him once more, it would be so much more than just a slap...It will be something he never thought of. And i know he will accept it happily.

I really miss talking, spending time and arguing with him. It's kinda fun. Friends told me something when i was really sad about him, "He is a very ego person and can easily offend someone". Well, from the start, i know he is different. He is a bit stubborn and he does not care what other people may thing, he will straight do the things that he thinks he is right.

My friend told me, "During the incident in the car with the other car...He can choose to ignore, but he didn't. Why would he care? Because of his pride? Its just because he has a high self-esteem. Something like that." Well, i do agree about what my friend said. He can choose to ignore. Then everything can be okay.

In conclusion, i seriously do not want to say this. I really did fell in love with him. On the other hand, if he did went back to his ex...then i accept it..It's his choice anyway.

Like what i always reminded myself about now, "Love is something that does not belong to my life, this life."

Lonely~

I really dont know why i still want to keep this feeling in myself since this is the result that i will get. I should be strong but my heart is still in pain... I just dont want to be lonely.

Kwang Wei...he is the guy that had spent his time of 3years with me. He knows me well enough to be my husband, but instead i hurt him more than he experienced before in his life. It is all because of my family and me...ME. The one that cause him so much pain.

When i was separated from him..i tried to forget him and the pain in me by meeting with this guy...

Andrew Robert. When i first met him, i thought he was a nice guy. He was at first. He said he loved me and treated me very nice. He even bring me out and enjoy. Even if we could not be together, i dont mind to be just friends...but soon things started to change after just a short memorable memories. And i never got an answer from him.

I really felt tired and hurt in love relationship which i thought i can hold it. It never lasted the way i wanted...

I just want a simple love from a single guy..
I just want a simple friendship from a simple friend..
I just want a simple life from a simple family..

I really feel painful. Just nobody is out there for me to reach when i need them especially now...

Family...

During my holidays...I never did had any enjoyment at all...other than facing my family that lost hope on me...i really don't know what to do.

My sister told me again during the holidays that, my dad's hope on me is still the same as before ....he gave up the hope on me ever since the previous incident...

Sisters talking about my relationships...about this and that...

There is no one out there for me to talk to anymore... no place for me to place my hope and trust....Except keep on receiving pain here and there...

And went through 3 accident...first a motorbike, second a bicycle and third a car...maybe i am fortunate that time, but next time..i hope it ends faster...i don't have to go through such incident again in my life...^^

What Did I do Wrong?

what did i do wrong in your life that i deserve such treatment from you??

I really hate you because i really just realized that you have been playing my feelings all along.

I never thought that your such a guy..no difference from the others. I really can't believe you anymore. The stories that you told me and everything...maybe it is true, but even so..i can't make the difference whether it is the truth or the false.

You ever did say you love me...now, it is just a sickening joke that is played by you on me and my trust to you.

This is what i feel now...i know when you read this, you would just say, "Anything".."Up to you", "whatever you may think", "Believe it or not"....things that I know it will surely hurt me again.

I just could not believe that your such as guy and i put my trust on you.

My last regards to you,

"Thank you for playing my feelings."

"Thank you for touching me."

"Thank you for everything."

"I hope you enjoy such entertainment."

My Luckless Romance

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind images
You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes clever trick

Well i?d never want to see you unhappy
I thought you?d want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images no

Well i?d never want to see you unhappy
I thought you?d want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and i'm haunted
And i bet you are just fine
Did i make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

2011~~

It's the first day of 2011...1/1/2011~~~

Everyone is happy as it is the new beginning of their life " A New Leaf"~

Kwang Wei~~ i know you will love me forever and i will always be in your heart~~ at least their is a place for me. Thank you very much. i will always miss you and love you as a friend. I know you will understand what I meant. Thank you very much.

Andrew~~ whenever i thought about you, i will cry. i don't know i should be happy about it or not. And everything you said from the beginning, well, i really wanted to believe it..but i guess, it hurts me more than anything. I really did love you...but there is no point for me to go after now. Wish you a happy life with the person that you love.

No matter how hard i want to stop this irritating feeling of mine especially when i see someone i love to be with someone else or when i can't get what i want that is very important for me~~ Love~~ just a simple love that can be accepted by everyone..just that simple wish...a wish that i can never get..^^

Love is wonderful,
Love is simple,
But I will never get it,
No matter what I do.