It's Been Awhile...

I don't know to start from where...

My life in my hometown as in during the holidays is fine and going along quite well. Family~ still ok...Relationship~ Still complicated...

Whereas in KL here, with all my friends and housemates, everything is well and nice except for one only...Her. I don't know or never expect her to be so different and seriously she got some attitude problems. I am getting more of the negatives of her, and I don't like it more.

Friendships that thought could have last for a lifetime ends when the true nature of it reveals. There will be no turning back. What has been done is done...A gap, then there will be a gap~

A Day With Emotional Conflicts

I don't know I can say it out or not...but i really don't like today...i seriously feel disappointed and upset since yesterday.

"A gain is still a lost..."

A Different View Of Me~

Again and Again

It's been awhile since things seem to get out of hand for me. I thought it would just pass easily but its the other way round. They are parted away from me and i had to be alone.

Why i want to care so much about what they think about me? And about what they do to me? Its not my business and problem. If this is what they want, then i let them be..do as they please~

I just want myself to be fine and nothing else. Wishing the time would just pass by faster than usual. To leave the place and see no more. I don't know how much longer can i hold this act again. Its really me curious cause i do not know the reason why at all.

I don't blame you if you don't want to tell me the problem and why your doing this to me... If this is what you want, then i will do according to what you want and u pleased with.

What more do i need to listen and see and bear with?!! I don't want to act and see you all act in front of me. Maybe is like what you said, "I can't accept the fact."

Thank you for your words.. I will always remember it in my life.

Trying to be Strong~

On the 25th of April~ i am really happy and strong...in a really happy mood where i get to smile when i do everything~

I smile when i wake up..
I smile when i shower..
I smile when i eat..
I smile when i study..
I smile when i listen to music..
I smile when i play with my friends..
The whole day smiling to me and everybody else..~^_^

On the 26th April, just after 12 midnight...my mood change..my smile is gone~ everything is gone~

She said, "You have the problem in accepting the fact."
She said, "You have the problem in facing the problem."
She said, "You have the problem in listening to others."

All those...do you know the reason why? It is easier said than done..I am not you or anyone else or anyone different.. I am just me...my character is like that, and that makes me special~

But those characters, it brings me a lot of pain and harm to my heart.. i am trying my best to ignore the things that i don't want to see at all. But yet, i still went to see it... I really hate this feeling so much!

I want to be strong...my heart wants to be strong~ To face it...but what you said, it makes me think about the things that i am about to forget...it stings my heart~ do you know that or not?

Your my beloved friend...i know you bring me no harm...but your words stings me..i don't know what is your purpose of doing it...

A morning~

Ah wei...supposedly to be my ex now~ but yet i still care for a him a lot...

I always told him to give up on me and forget me...well, he never did forget me but now, he changed too...maybe its for the better him but not for me.

I don't what am i supposed to think at all~~ it's really giving a pain.

A night~

Last night, if i did not saw what i saw, i maybe still fine like everyday. But i did saw it which i really want to escape. He messaged my friend. The moment i saw it, a sting was there...

I don't get it. Why is my heart so weak? Why am i so stupid? Am i that weak?

I could not sleep the whole night. And cried in the dark where nobody knows the whole night...after a cried of exhaustion, i fell asleep.

When i woke up, i can see the sun..the warm sun that i need to make me feel better. I don't know if i can face my friend or not. Since i am living with her...I don't want the moment i saw her, there is a sting in my heart again and again. It really seriously bothers me a lot.. i don't want to suffer~

Please make my heart stronger and not to be that weak~

:'(

what should i say?

well, tears starting again...

On the few days past, it was Pikom Pc Fair...my best friend and I went to the event. We had a lot of fun and both of bought a few gadgets. We even had a new friend and he was really funny. We laugh all the way home.

A few days later, he and his friend asked us out for a movie. So, we did agree to go out with them. I am a talkative and active person but on that night i become the other way round. The one talking and active was not me.. it was dearly quiet friend. ^^

They talk and all.. But the whole night i was thinking of what my friend said,

"Don't think and expect to much of what will happen tonight. I don't want you to get hurt after the previous incident about the clubbing guy."

And my friend made a joke, "Tonight if got nice looking guy, it will be mine o!"

Well, i don't know what i am suppose to do. I kinda like him but i have this feeling that he like my friend. That's what i felt that night. And i try to control myself and not to do anything. But i do feel sad.

On the next day, my mind was totally down. I really wanted to know the answer. Do she likes him too? Do he like her too?? I really wanted to know the answer so badly that i isolated myself the whole day.

That night, i finally asked her, and although her answer was uncertain, but i feel like she do kinda like him too. Hence, i had to make a decision. That is to forget the chances i have and let it go.

She is my best friend.. the person that i care about a lot. I am willing to do anything for her although it hurts me. But i think it is worth it.^^

Him

I feel like seeing him one more time...

I feel like writing something memorable down...

A story to be told and read and felt...

But even so...there is nothing i can do about it.

Calvin~ 2/4 to 3/4~ 2011

I met this guy during my enjoyment time at the club, @Live, Sunway Pyramid.

When thinking about how we start our conversation, it is really funny because he is trying to find a "un-supportive" reason.

We spend our time together for that few hours and had a great fun with him and his friends.

The first movement he did that really shocked me and thrilled me when he suddenly kissed on my cheek. I thought i was drunk and did not what was exactly happening. There is one moment where he said to me, " There is a smudge on your lips." And when i was trying to wipe it, he suddenly kiss my lips. I was really thrilled!!

He danced with me and shouted together and all that~ He is really caring towards a girl..he will protect me..>~<'' against others "invasion".

When we, my friends and I is about to go home, he offered me a ride. So, since i was really excited in meeting this new guy, I accepted his offer really easily.

Once reached home, he spend his time talking to me and we both asked a lot of questions. Talk and talk till time go pass by. A lot of things, funny things happened in between the times we were together.

But everything change, when he ask me a straight forward question, if we did happened "something".. can i accept it or not.. and he said he do not wish me to get hurt. Well, I understand what he means. Yet, we both do feel like everything indeed moves to fast and a bit out of hand.

Hence, so far..i really still want him as my friend and he felt the same way too. But there is a lot of unanswered question in both our minds that we do not know how to answer it.

Although so...i don't know if i can trust him or not. So it is really frustrating. Of all, the most unforgettable thing is that he has the same birthday as me!! Darn it!!

All i can say now is that i really do miss him cause i can finally felt the caring feeling from a guy towards me and i don't wish to forget most. But, it is something that i may have to let go before i get hurt once more.

Mew Mew!!~~

Ahhhh!!!!~~~

Tonight! 21/3/2011!! I am so high!! Metabolism rate increasing!!~~ Awesome!!!~~

Let me show u all my cuties~~ my awesome companions!~~

Unfortunately...there is one more picture missing~~ Xd

Sorry that I stole their pictures~~ Xd but please be happy since your in my life!~~ ^^

Last Night~

Maybe because i am too bored that i went and see the things that i actually don't wish to know~

In the end, i hurt myself again... I just don't get it about guys~ haiz..so i had a "little" drink with my baby "Domo" and one of my house mate,who is now having relationship problem... which there is only 2 of us in the house for a week~

We drank and talk...both did cried...but my heart still feel the pain...hopefully there is something out there that can cure it...hahaha~ before the end of the world~ ^^

Don't You?

For the past few weeks, i have been chatting and talking with this guy...older me 1 years old.

I know him during my practical before the Chinese New Year holidays... Xd

I think he is really cute...and i don't know why, when i hear him laugh, i will laugh too..

There is this part of laughter in him, that is really, really cute and adorable!! <3

I AM NOT A STALKER BUT HE IS REALLY A CUTE GUY!! :P

My Babies~

Let me show my most beloved babies~ which i had been taking care of it for 1 year..

Due to some finance and time problem in taking care of it, i had to pass it to others to take care of it... and they are still fed and care with plenty and plenty of LOVES!~

My New Story~

Xd~ well, it has been awhile since any sad things happen to my life~

Nowadays, i enjoy most of my times with my Besties~~ housemates, friends and many more people that are important in my life to move on~

Recently, i fell in love again~ But not in love with a guy, yet it is with a "thing". Which is think it is very adorable especially the "sexy" mouth!~~ The name is "DoMo".

I spend most of my allowance just to buy its collection. I don't know why i did it but i enjoy doing so...Maybe it's a sudden way of me to make myself happy~

Lonely But A Bit Happy~

Being single can really lonely when your not used to it... I get envy easily when i look at couples~ I just hope i can experience it once...at least a nice one to keep forever. I always get hurt and fooled...well, that is kinda "Ouch" for me.

It has been awhile since i am with someone...at least i can be myself once. Although so, i still recall the memories which i really tried to forget. I just hope someone..just someone appear up and that person can change my memories and my fate.

Nothing else to say but just hope things can change for the better~~ that's all. ^_^

Fooled Again

i don't know what else to say... it's just me who has been a real foolish...

he left me, he left me too and he left it also~~

i got nothing else to say or comment about my life and yes, i understand now that i can't change my fate.

i think it's time for me to be alone. but i really hope that there will be someone for me to talk with as to get my time pass peacefully.

i am stupid to get myself hurt over and over again...i thought things would be different...yet the result is the same.

my fate is like that then i have to accept it that way...alone~

......

Blog blog blog...

i have nothing else...i have nothing left...i am always left alone

i just want someone to love me and care for me...

whenever i try to love someone and just starting...it goes the other way round.

it's not that i am desperate for guys, but i want someone there for me.. who can always be there for me other than the person who will love me.

my family...i can't give my trust to my family... they are not the one i am to put my hope on...i can't depend on them. i don't want to be hurt by them again.

i really don't like people to ignore me...the tension i will get is really unbearable. i can't sleep, can't concentrate and can't focus on anything i do. it's really suffocating me. i just want an answer.. an answer can make me more relieve rather than no answer at all.

please God!! just an answer...i want nothing else..Just one answer from him can really make me happy enough already...

Should I or Should I Not??

I am really scare when thinking of it..but i really want someone to be there just for me.. Just only me..

But when I think the consequences that i may need to face with...i really want to cry again...it's really painful when thinking about it more.

There is no way I can escape from everything and it~~ I want to break free!! Just break free to get a fresh air and a new start and a new memory for myself...

Although I have gone through so much..nobody knows what i have been through..>~< it's really suffocating me and stopping me from doing the things that i love.

I want to forget the past...Yet the past keeps me from moving forward...what should i do? What decision should i make?? Please anyone!! Guide me!!

I Don't Dare~

I don't want to get hurt again and again... it's really enough for me to go through it over and over again. It's not fun to play, don't you know??

Don't you know how much it hurts when you..."ourselves" found out the truth..it's really going to hurt ones' heart more.

My heart..i really want to try something new..a new love maybe. But that love~~ it's really scary. Really scared to go through it again.

If you meet someone nice, it's not that easy to just let go, right? But in my situation, i have to let go. Letting go of something is always in my life. I even have to let go of my beloved pets.

One of the guy is back where he is supposed to be whereas the other one sometimes really caring but sometimes really over caring about my situation.

I don't know i should be happy about it or not. What type of feelings should i have now? It's really hard to decide. I need a really good counsellor that can give me a logic and reasonable thoughts.

~ Another Nightmare ~

A mum~~
A sister~~
Both are the people that I hate most~~

A mum that always thinks that she is right all the time~~
A sister that always thinks that whatever she does is right~~

Both though denying that they are the same~~
But both of them are the same~~
Having the same characteristics~~

I really don't know what is the problem here... everybody has their own opinion on things and maybe you may not like it, just try to advise or speak out your thoughts without hurting other people.

If you don't understand the situation, then just shut up. It's none of your problem and business. I seriously don't understand.

If you say this is family "love".... go and dig up a hole and jump in... Open your eyes. Look into the mirror~~ do I have to record your worst character and show it to everyone and ask them to critic? Aren't that stupid of you??

Just look in the mirror if you understand. It has been enough for me. I don't want to go through something that I don't wish to do so any more. Enough is enough.

A New Smile~~

A smile that I am trying to make it to look real from the bottom of my heart~~

I Know

I know you don't care anymore...
I know what i say now is also useless...
I know it will not change...

I just wish you could read this...
Ignoring me is still really hurting me...
And i know i have no rights to find you anymore...
I just wanna let you know how i feel...

I hate myself for being such a pathetic person...
I hate myself for being useless...
I hate myself for hurting everyone beside me...

I guess your hurting too...
But nobody knows that i am hurting too...

Weird Feelings...

After what had happen...to be honest and truthful..my heart feels happy but at the same time..its' getting more empty like a bottle of leaking from somewhere which i can't really put it.

I don't know what exactly is he thinking but if he accused me for leaving my ex is a wrong doing then his wrong. He may be mature in his way, but the situation is in my hand. And it's a different thing for me and it's not easy.

Today, i went out with someone that i don't really know of but i know him. He is Encik Harris, a radiographer from where i am having my clinical attachment. When i went watching movies with him, he reminded me of you, Andrew.

I am not suppose to think back again...But yet i am having this weird feelings when thinking back those memories that I should had buried it on the day we argue. I just wish to know what his planning to do...Maybe i am thinking too much cause i do not want to let go of something that i could not hold easily.

Every word i said to him on that day, well it does hurts me more than him. Slapping him...well, if i really did get the chance to see him once more, it would be so much more than just a slap...It will be something he never thought of. And i know he will accept it happily.

I really miss talking, spending time and arguing with him. It's kinda fun. Friends told me something when i was really sad about him, "He is a very ego person and can easily offend someone". Well, from the start, i know he is different. He is a bit stubborn and he does not care what other people may thing, he will straight do the things that he thinks he is right.

My friend told me, "During the incident in the car with the other car...He can choose to ignore, but he didn't. Why would he care? Because of his pride? Its just because he has a high self-esteem. Something like that." Well, i do agree about what my friend said. He can choose to ignore. Then everything can be okay.

In conclusion, i seriously do not want to say this. I really did fell in love with him. On the other hand, if he did went back to his ex...then i accept it..It's his choice anyway.

Like what i always reminded myself about now, "Love is something that does not belong to my life, this life."

Lonely~

I really dont know why i still want to keep this feeling in myself since this is the result that i will get. I should be strong but my heart is still in pain... I just dont want to be lonely.

Kwang Wei...he is the guy that had spent his time of 3years with me. He knows me well enough to be my husband, but instead i hurt him more than he experienced before in his life. It is all because of my family and me...ME. The one that cause him so much pain.

When i was separated from him..i tried to forget him and the pain in me by meeting with this guy...

Andrew Robert. When i first met him, i thought he was a nice guy. He was at first. He said he loved me and treated me very nice. He even bring me out and enjoy. Even if we could not be together, i dont mind to be just friends...but soon things started to change after just a short memorable memories. And i never got an answer from him.

I really felt tired and hurt in love relationship which i thought i can hold it. It never lasted the way i wanted...

I just want a simple love from a single guy..
I just want a simple friendship from a simple friend..
I just want a simple life from a simple family..

I really feel painful. Just nobody is out there for me to reach when i need them especially now...

Family...

During my holidays...I never did had any enjoyment at all...other than facing my family that lost hope on me...i really don't know what to do.

My sister told me again during the holidays that, my dad's hope on me is still the same as before ....he gave up the hope on me ever since the previous incident...

Sisters talking about my relationships...about this and that...

There is no one out there for me to talk to anymore... no place for me to place my hope and trust....Except keep on receiving pain here and there...

And went through 3 accident...first a motorbike, second a bicycle and third a car...maybe i am fortunate that time, but next time..i hope it ends faster...i don't have to go through such incident again in my life...^^

What Did I do Wrong?

what did i do wrong in your life that i deserve such treatment from you??

I really hate you because i really just realized that you have been playing my feelings all along.

I never thought that your such a guy..no difference from the others. I really can't believe you anymore. The stories that you told me and everything...maybe it is true, but even so..i can't make the difference whether it is the truth or the false.

You ever did say you love me...now, it is just a sickening joke that is played by you on me and my trust to you.

This is what i feel now...i know when you read this, you would just say, "Anything".."Up to you", "whatever you may think", "Believe it or not"....things that I know it will surely hurt me again.

I just could not believe that your such as guy and i put my trust on you.

My last regards to you,

"Thank you for playing my feelings."

"Thank you for touching me."

"Thank you for everything."

"I hope you enjoy such entertainment."

My Luckless Romance

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind images
You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes clever trick

Well i?d never want to see you unhappy
I thought you?d want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images no

Well i?d never want to see you unhappy
I thought you?d want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and i'm haunted
And i bet you are just fine
Did i make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

2011~~

It's the first day of 2011...1/1/2011~~~

Everyone is happy as it is the new beginning of their life " A New Leaf"~

Kwang Wei~~ i know you will love me forever and i will always be in your heart~~ at least their is a place for me. Thank you very much. i will always miss you and love you as a friend. I know you will understand what I meant. Thank you very much.

Andrew~~ whenever i thought about you, i will cry. i don't know i should be happy about it or not. And everything you said from the beginning, well, i really wanted to believe it..but i guess, it hurts me more than anything. I really did love you...but there is no point for me to go after now. Wish you a happy life with the person that you love.

No matter how hard i want to stop this irritating feeling of mine especially when i see someone i love to be with someone else or when i can't get what i want that is very important for me~~ Love~~ just a simple love that can be accepted by everyone..just that simple wish...a wish that i can never get..^^

Love is wonderful,
Love is simple,
But I will never get it,
No matter what I do.