Again and Again

It's been awhile since things seem to get out of hand for me. I thought it would just pass easily but its the other way round. They are parted away from me and i had to be alone.

Why i want to care so much about what they think about me? And about what they do to me? Its not my business and problem. If this is what they want, then i let them be..do as they please~

I just want myself to be fine and nothing else. Wishing the time would just pass by faster than usual. To leave the place and see no more. I don't know how much longer can i hold this act again. Its really me curious cause i do not know the reason why at all.

I don't blame you if you don't want to tell me the problem and why your doing this to me... If this is what you want, then i will do according to what you want and u pleased with.

What more do i need to listen and see and bear with?!! I don't want to act and see you all act in front of me. Maybe is like what you said, "I can't accept the fact."

Thank you for your words.. I will always remember it in my life.

Trying to be Strong~

On the 25th of April~ i am really happy and strong...in a really happy mood where i get to smile when i do everything~

I smile when i wake up..
I smile when i shower..
I smile when i eat..
I smile when i study..
I smile when i listen to music..
I smile when i play with my friends..
The whole day smiling to me and everybody else..~^_^

On the 26th April, just after 12 midnight...my mood change..my smile is gone~ everything is gone~

She said, "You have the problem in accepting the fact."
She said, "You have the problem in facing the problem."
She said, "You have the problem in listening to others."

All those...do you know the reason why? It is easier said than done..I am not you or anyone else or anyone different.. I am just me...my character is like that, and that makes me special~

But those characters, it brings me a lot of pain and harm to my heart.. i am trying my best to ignore the things that i don't want to see at all. But yet, i still went to see it... I really hate this feeling so much!

I want to be strong...my heart wants to be strong~ To face it...but what you said, it makes me think about the things that i am about to forget...it stings my heart~ do you know that or not?

Your my beloved friend...i know you bring me no harm...but your words stings me..i don't know what is your purpose of doing it...

A morning~

Ah wei...supposedly to be my ex now~ but yet i still care for a him a lot...

I always told him to give up on me and forget me...well, he never did forget me but now, he changed too...maybe its for the better him but not for me.

I don't what am i supposed to think at all~~ it's really giving a pain.

A night~

Last night, if i did not saw what i saw, i maybe still fine like everyday. But i did saw it which i really want to escape. He messaged my friend. The moment i saw it, a sting was there...

I don't get it. Why is my heart so weak? Why am i so stupid? Am i that weak?

I could not sleep the whole night. And cried in the dark where nobody knows the whole night...after a cried of exhaustion, i fell asleep.

When i woke up, i can see the sun..the warm sun that i need to make me feel better. I don't know if i can face my friend or not. Since i am living with her...I don't want the moment i saw her, there is a sting in my heart again and again. It really seriously bothers me a lot.. i don't want to suffer~

Please make my heart stronger and not to be that weak~

:'(

what should i say?

well, tears starting again...

On the few days past, it was Pikom Pc Fair...my best friend and I went to the event. We had a lot of fun and both of bought a few gadgets. We even had a new friend and he was really funny. We laugh all the way home.

A few days later, he and his friend asked us out for a movie. So, we did agree to go out with them. I am a talkative and active person but on that night i become the other way round. The one talking and active was not me.. it was dearly quiet friend. ^^

They talk and all.. But the whole night i was thinking of what my friend said,

"Don't think and expect to much of what will happen tonight. I don't want you to get hurt after the previous incident about the clubbing guy."

And my friend made a joke, "Tonight if got nice looking guy, it will be mine o!"

Well, i don't know what i am suppose to do. I kinda like him but i have this feeling that he like my friend. That's what i felt that night. And i try to control myself and not to do anything. But i do feel sad.

On the next day, my mind was totally down. I really wanted to know the answer. Do she likes him too? Do he like her too?? I really wanted to know the answer so badly that i isolated myself the whole day.

That night, i finally asked her, and although her answer was uncertain, but i feel like she do kinda like him too. Hence, i had to make a decision. That is to forget the chances i have and let it go.

She is my best friend.. the person that i care about a lot. I am willing to do anything for her although it hurts me. But i think it is worth it.^^

Him

I feel like seeing him one more time...

I feel like writing something memorable down...

A story to be told and read and felt...

But even so...there is nothing i can do about it.

Calvin~ 2/4 to 3/4~ 2011

I met this guy during my enjoyment time at the club, @Live, Sunway Pyramid.

When thinking about how we start our conversation, it is really funny because he is trying to find a "un-supportive" reason.

We spend our time together for that few hours and had a great fun with him and his friends.

The first movement he did that really shocked me and thrilled me when he suddenly kissed on my cheek. I thought i was drunk and did not what was exactly happening. There is one moment where he said to me, " There is a smudge on your lips." And when i was trying to wipe it, he suddenly kiss my lips. I was really thrilled!!

He danced with me and shouted together and all that~ He is really caring towards a girl..he will protect me..>~<'' against others "invasion".

When we, my friends and I is about to go home, he offered me a ride. So, since i was really excited in meeting this new guy, I accepted his offer really easily.

Once reached home, he spend his time talking to me and we both asked a lot of questions. Talk and talk till time go pass by. A lot of things, funny things happened in between the times we were together.

But everything change, when he ask me a straight forward question, if we did happened "something".. can i accept it or not.. and he said he do not wish me to get hurt. Well, I understand what he means. Yet, we both do feel like everything indeed moves to fast and a bit out of hand.

Hence, so far..i really still want him as my friend and he felt the same way too. But there is a lot of unanswered question in both our minds that we do not know how to answer it.

Although so...i don't know if i can trust him or not. So it is really frustrating. Of all, the most unforgettable thing is that he has the same birthday as me!! Darn it!!

All i can say now is that i really do miss him cause i can finally felt the caring feeling from a guy towards me and i don't wish to forget most. But, it is something that i may have to let go before i get hurt once more.