I am Suffering and Confused...

i love you~~ your supposed to know...but then i understand how you feel...like you say you can't be with me...you can give up, but i can't...

i really can't give up something that is important to me...you say your wish for new year is for me to be with someone else...i kept on thinking and going through everything in my mind~~~

i ever thought if that is what you want...i really thought of taking that step. although taking this step can hurt me but it can hurt everybody else around me.

how can i take that step? how can i do it? i can't make you happy..i can't make him happy...i can't make my family happy... why i can't make anyone happy...

i don't want to hurt anyone..do anyone understand?

what if i never existed? i really tried not to exist but i am afraid...what if i leave then everyone forget about me? i tried smiling to myself in the mirror~~ but it failed..but i will try my best in front of you all...

i have been hurt so many times..i can still accept all those pain..i will try my best..^^

Just a Fake Jewel...

Love is something that is wonderful and warm especially when the couples are meant and willing to be together...

But there is this little girl that can never experience the love the she wish for to come true...

In her life..there are this 2 guys..she let go of one of the guys due to her family~~ and no matter what she just had to accept the fact that it is something she can't change and there is no other choices...

During a period of time..her heart and soul suffered till she met another guy that is nice and cares for her...he is willing to be there and listen to her inner-self..she gave another chance for her heart, hope and on him~

She told him that she loves him and he loves her too...but as days and time pass by...things started to change. He is getting further away from her..and the way he treated her is so different from the first time they met and her hearts were getting in pain~~~

She tried her best to believe in the hope she had placed on the new love...but in the end~~ she not only hurt herself..she lost her hope.

Yet she kept it in herself so that he will never know~~ she does not want anybody else to get hurt but her... and on the night of Christmas..he told her to be with someone else... this from his mouth hurts her more than anything.. the only thing she thought and hope had just disappeared in a blink of an eye.

She then realized that love is not the best thing for her...and it is something she will never get...

Please! Don't!

it's time for me to give up...i really want to give up cause it keeps bringing pain and sadness to me...whenever i think about it..it makes my heart to suffocate~~

doesn't he understand how i feel...if he can't accept me i don't mind...but treating me in the way that i hate most of all...

~ i dislike it when a person never reply my messages
~ i dislike it when he treats me differently after what had happen
~ i hate people that change suddenly and starts ignoring me

i really don't understand...if he says that he is busy and tired..i don't mind.

i really don't like this feeling and pain and this f**king hope that is just fake from him.

friends keep advising me not to think so much but the way he acted is keeping my mind in that situation....it's not what i wanted also...

please don't play my feeling...please!! i am begging you! please don't play tricks to my mind and feelings..please!!!

Just Maybe

today..18/12/2010~ it's a bluish day

i feel really down today cause i have to go back to the place where everything begins and the place that brings me a lot of memories and pain...

and today will also maybe the last for me and him~~ he is dumb...^^ i guess he haven't read the messages i made for him in the stars~~ when he reads maybe he would understand how i felt....

i wish time can freeze for awhile for me to relax...it is suffocating me. i keep thinking of him, the "cute" and the one that has been there for me all this while..the Magician...lol~~but whenever i start to think of him..i will remind myself...

"He never did love me" ~~ when i think about this...my heart really felt the pain and emptiness....it maybe the easiest way to let go and forget something that is never mine...really felt like crying ...maybe i cried too much already that i don't have any tears for myself~~

PS: you maybe stalking my blog...just want to say sorry...love you always~<3

It's Ok

There are things that happen because we can't control it~~

I never blame you for what he did cause it's my mistake too~ i should have stop it so he would not be feeling this guilty~~

I am sorry for what had happen and sorry to have it happening...

Stop saying sorry cause i never blame him... i just love him..that's all

~ in that short moment...maybe it's my wrong..i just thought of trying and taking out the first step to completely forget the past...

I just love him and i know it is wrong already...but i have my reason to continue what we did..that's all

But please..i am begging you...please don't treat me differently about what had happen...it's really not your fault. please don't~~

Just a Short One

Wake Up

Just wake up girl!!~~

WAKE UP!!!

He will never be yours!

He will never see you!

He will not think about it!

Wake up!!!

Stop thinking!

Stop hoping for it!

Just leave him alone!

Wake up!!

You have no right to love!!

Your not suppose to be like this!

Why don't you just wake up girl!!

Snap out of it!

Feels Blue

Sometimes it feels right but sometimes it feel wrong~~

But all i know is that i am wrong~~ wrong to be here~~ wrong to be known to all~~

I am sorry to hurt your feelings and anyone else that knows me~~ it is your unfortunate

I am truly sorry...

I Wish that It Could be Real

Good morning...^^

Feels so nice when waking up from the sleep especially when you just had this weird that but yet you just loved it.

In this dream...it includes with him. ^^ i dream that he gave or somehow pass me a piece of paper with a message inside. he wrote something inside which i am not so sure but the part that i am certain is that he ask me to be his girlfriend. well, of course i am really happy about it. Even in my own dream, i am asking myself is it real or not. i just could not believe it.

Then i told him that i want to be one but he is a bit sad cause i told him that it's very hard for me to believe about what he said and wrote to me. This is when i started laughing in my dream.

Though it is a very nice dream..but i still have to wake up. when i wake up, i just realized that it is just a dream. And it is not the reality. This is when i will be a little sad...but a bit happy cause it sounds and feel so real...LOLx

I wish it could be real somehow...

~My Mosaic~

A masterpiece of mine...^^~<3

It's him~

Hmmm...what should i say today??



Well, it is a really nice day and i really loved it cause it's him...i am with him.LOlz

Though i spend my time walking up and down the shopping complex...but my mind is somewhere else. I don't know how to describe it ...

Walking round and round, walking up and down, walking in and out... with no direction in line... i just want to lean down at a place and have a nap or just doze off. Feel very tired~~

^^

A picture taken by my beloved...^^

Just for you

today..my feelings are really confused and mixed up. i just don't know why. i didn't did well also in my exam...it really increase the pressure to my feelings and moods today.

Andrew...i love you. i know we can't be together because of my family and i understand that part. then u told me that we can only be friends...i try to accept that fact also...but now, i see our relationship now is more than a best friend yet not considered a couple...i am really confused. and whenever i always wanted to ask you if you love me or not...u tried to ignore the question. maybe you feel tension about that question, i understand...it's my bad and tried not to think about that question again.

But then...it hurts me whenever i think about it.i thought of making you 1000 of stars because it has all my feelings and thoughts and my memories with you. the messages are just about how i feel about you. i really hope to be together with you...but i feel like it is just something that i think or hope too much for it to happen...

i really finally think that it is time for me to give that hope up. i can be independent enough and i can take care of myself. maybe i am born to be alone somehow..^^

A girl in November,2010 at Zanmai Sushi's spotlight..^^

Hurts

good morning...

when i woke up this morning, it felt so different. it is so different that my heart aches. i have been asking myself the same question over and over again..

~ am i such a bad person?
~ do i bring pain and sadness to everyone surrounding me?
~ i make people lose hope on myself...

i left him and the memories behind...i should expect it. it is nothing wrong for him to hate me... but now when he say that he is disappointed, sad and angry at me, i felt really hurt from the inside and sad.

i should have expect it coming this way round...but i just can't to be honest. i am just scared to face it or i am running away from everything.

the other guy that said earlier that he loved me...is it real? should i believe it?
after what i experienced now, is he really serious about what he meant when he said it to me in the first place?

i seriously don't know what else to think of...i feel like everything that i want or hope for is something that i could never reached for. i just want someone i can depend and share with openly and happily without anyone standing in my way...

why can't you all just understand me?? why do you all only think for your own self-esteem and not for what i have to learn for myself....just let me try.

i know and understand that you all did it for love to me and do not want me to get hurt...but there is a saying, " no pain no gain" right?

i am so hurt and confuse now...what is the purpose of my life?

it rains...

my friend ask a very good question...

after such a long journey and undergo so many obstacles...if one day...they accepted him~~~ what should she do?

should she accept him?

but she is in a situation that she loves someone else...not the same person...though she is in love with another person, but the relationship of her with that guy is definitely more than just best friends yet not certified as couples.

so, if this situation did really happen...what she should do??

with these whole situation...she is now in a hell of thinking of what to do and brings back the sad memories~~~